The Dream of Motherhood

Pregnancy was a dream. If you had asked anyone, they would have told you that I was born to be a mother. That’s why, at the young age of 24, when I found out I was pregnant, I knew that my life was truly beginning. I glowed throughout my entire pregnancy—my skin was clear, and my belly was the only thing round on me. Old wives' tales would have told you I was having a boy, but I didn’t care either way.

I arrived at the hospital when I was 8 cm dilated, got my epidural, and coasted from there. I was ready to push at 8:30 in the morning, and just 15 minutes later, I had my baby boy in my arms by 8:45. Now, I know my story isn’t like everyone else’s, but maybe that was the trade-off for what was to come. I had always envisioned that intense bonding moment when my son was born. I thought I would be covered in goop, sobbing because the love and joy pouring out of me would be too overwhelming. I imagined knowing instantly that this is love—a bond that could never be broken. That’s what everyone talks about, what everyone gushes over. I couldn’t wait to be that mother.

When Reality Didn’t Match My Expectations

But that’s not what happened. I delivered my beautiful son at 8:45 am—6 lbs 7 oz, 18 inches of love. But instead of the overwhelming joy I expected, I felt completely overwhelmed. The thought of “oh no” came over me. Why did I think I could do this? I didn’t have that immediate bond—that head-over-heels, I-can’t-wait-to-be-a-mother feeling. I was so worried that I couldn’t do this. And that’s exactly how my postpartum depression started. I felt absolutely worthless as a mother because I didn’t experience that immediate connection. I just felt like a mom having to take care of an infant. I couldn’t figure out why I felt that way, and there was absolutely no way I was going to be talking about it with anyone else. I had never heard anyone else feel this way.

Looking back, I realize now that the connection was always there—it was just buried deep under pregnancy hormones that were never balanced and never treated. I didn’t know it at the time, but my body was going through so much, and it made me feel like I was failing as a mother.

The Breastfeeding Struggle

It had always been my plan to breastfeed. It seemed beautiful and natural, and I thought it would create the bond I was longing for. But that didn’t happen. I couldn’t get a good latch, and anyone who has breastfed knows that a bad latch is an absolute nightmare. I did this day in and day out—bad latch, screaming baby, and my mental health just deteriorating. My partner at the time didn’t know how to help me. I remember him throwing me a party two weeks after my son was born, and it was the worst thing in my mind. All I wanted to do was isolate. I didn’t want people to know how I was feeling, and I didn’t want to pretend that everything was okay.

I was going between breastfeeding every two hours, pumping in between just to get enough milk for him, crying because he was crying, and feeling like I wasn’t enough. My friends came over, none of whom had children, so they couldn’t really relate. They tried to cheer me up and make jokes, but I just wanted to cry—or worse, I wanted to die. It was such a low point for me, and I had no idea how to ask for help. What did I do instead? I sobbed and asked everyone to leave. All I did was isolate myself more.

Intrusive Thoughts and Isolation

Something else I didn’t know about at the time was intrusive thoughts. They were so consuming. Every second was: what if this or what if that? To the extreme. What if I fall with this knife and stab him? What if I fall asleep and suffocate him?They were happening so frequently I would often question: What is wrong with me? It was postpartum depression, but nobody was talking about it in 2014—at least not in my circle. It’s a mood disorder after birth, but there’s nothing simple about it. It’s crippling, debilitating, and can make you feel completely alone.

I hid all of this from my friends and family. I felt like I didn’t have the resources or that there simply were none. It wasn’t until I became a nurse that I started hearing more about it. I was able to share my experiences with other mothers, and they could relate. And don’t worry—the bonding did come, but it took time. That year was the hardest of my life, and I chose to do it alone.

Finding Help and Breaking the Silence

I want anyone reading this to know you are NOT alone and that there are resources. I’m a resource, your friends are resources, your neighbor is a resource. I got the help I needed five years later, and I'm still so thankful. It made me feel less alone, and it allowed me to realize that PPD is not taboo. Now I shout about it from the rooftops. I tell everyone I know when the conversation presents itself. It’s normal. Our bodies go through so much—it’s not always sunshine and rainbows when we get our beautiful prize at the end.

I love my son dearly, and looking back, I know it was never about that. It was all about balancing hormones and learning how to cope with such a big change. If you find that you need help or just want to know more, I’ve left some resources below. You are never alone, and you are so loved.

Postpartum Depression: The Reality in Numbers

Postpartum depression (PPD) affects many new mothers worldwide. Approximately 17.22% of women experience PPD globally (Nature, 2021).

In the United States, about 1 in 7 women may develop PPD within the year following childbirth, equating to nearly 600,000 diagnoses annually (Postpartum Depression, 2025). However, it's important to note that nearly 50% of mothers with PPD are not diagnosed by a health professional (Postpartum Depression, 2025).

PPD is not just limited to mothers—around 10% of new fathers also experience symptoms of depression during the postpartum period (Postpartum Depression, 2025).

These numbers highlight the importance of awareness, early detection, and support for all parents during the postpartum period.

RESOURCES:

https://www.cdc.gov/reproductive-health/depression/resources.html

https://postpartum.net

https://womenshealth.gov/mental-health/mental-health-conditions/postpartum-depression